You are questioning your faith. The faith you were raised with. Faith your parents always told you were right. The questions keep coming at full force. You ask for guidance from your parents, your husband or wife, your counselors, you ask your teachers, and then your chaplain.
They explain away your questions. Tell you it's normal to be confused, and say everything will be all right. At first what they say make sense. You become passive one more time.
Then come the questions again. You start deciphering each one. Then you decipher each answer. When you get through, you are just as confused as before.
So now is the time to do research on your own. First you research different Christian religions. You are thinking that they are all Christian, just some have different beliefs, and at first it's all new and different and seems to make more sense to you than what you were taught growing up.
But after a while the questions start, and so the same cycle begins. The questions, the answers, and then the confusion. So now what do you do? Nothing at first. You sort of drop out of religion all together.
As time goes by, you realize you are missing something in your life. It isn't a need of food or monetary things. (Although we all think we need money) But it's a spiritual need. It's what we are missing deep down inside. Without spiritual fulfillment we are lost.
So its back to the drawing board once again. You start doing research. Then you come across something on maybe Wiccan, Witchcraft, Fairies, Celtic Druids, or maybe Pagans in general. But wait a minute! These are all taboo! You have been taught all your life that it's bad, you are going to go into the bowels of Brimstone and Hell. For even wanting to read about it. Even Hollywood makes horror films about it. These are all just Devil worshippers after all! In the movies we see the huge pentacle drawn out on the floor with blood. That's the Devil's sign.
At first it scares you! But you can't help but take a peak. Next thing you know, you can't get enough. You start reading and researching. Then all at once you realize it makes perfect sense. All the questions you have had from the beginning have been answered. You feel as though you have just come home. You found a small little place in this world where you belong. You feel like you are not alone anymore. Here is a place where you can finally fit in.
Then you go through the next step of finding the path you want to take. There are just as many different beliefs in Paganism, as there is in Christianity. But in time, you find that as well.
Now you are going through the feelings of living a lie. That you have a dirty little secret. And you do not want to feel ashamed anymore for what you believe in. But what can you do? What you want, is to scream it from the rooftops, but you know that is out of the question. But you know what will happen, if and when you try to approach the subject.
So now what? Well you keep it secret a little longer. Then you get up nerve to tell your best friend. You have to try it out on someone, and your best friend is ideal for this. Just for the simple reason you feel they understand you when no one else does. It doesn't go as smoothly as you hoped, but it went better than you had anticipated. So now you're thinking, "I can do this!"
Well, you do it! You come out of your broom closet one by one! And the proverbial,"It" hits the fan. There are many phases that your loved one goes through. The first phase is your loved one questions your sanity! i.e. "Are you crazy!" The second phase is what I call the blame phase. i.e. "Who have you been around?" "Who has been filling you with this.?" The third phase is the "Why?" "Why have you done this?" "Why have you turned your back on us?" "Why have you turned your back on God?"
When the truth is, none of these are true. You have to remember, they are as confused and as scared as you were. Their faith has been drilled in them as well as it was for you. And yes, you found another path for yourself. But what is right for you is not necessarily right for someone else.
So now what happens? Well you could scream back! But of course that doesn't help anything. The best way to handle it, is to calmly answer all their questions. And be prepared! I say this because some of the questions will be from normal to absurd. So make sure you do your homework. Let them know that it isn't a passing phase, which you do know the subject of which you are speaking. You are sure of your feelings. If you can answer their questions honestly and confidently, they will come to see you are serious. Also that you have taken the time to study and research your beliefs.
Now will it happen over night? No it will not. As they say Rome wasn't built in a day. When you deal with human emotion, you deal with a whole subject among itself. And in reality, there are no rules. Everyone will react in a different way.
Some people will leave you, some will become afraid of you. Rumors will spread, as fast as tongues can wag. You will be accused of every wild thing that the imagination can muster. Then at the same time you will have new people come to you and say, "I don't really believe, but could you do a spell for me?" But you hold your head up high and your own tongue in check.
You will be persecuted, but you are no different, then anyone else. After all, persecution has been since the beginning of time. The Celts and Druids, the Jews, the African Americans, and anyone who is different. Even in the Christian religion Jesus Christ was persecuted. The persecution comes from fear of being different.
Some of the things you will be accused of will hurt. Partly because you know them, not to be true. And partly because before you are anything, you are human.
When I came out. I didn't think I would be able to survive it. My husband asked "If I had a demon inside of me?" My daughter and son-in-law did not speak to me for almost a year. My son still tells me I am going to go to hell if I don't come back to Christianity. My best friend said I was just going through menopause. And I was almost fired from my job. The only one to stick by me from the beginning was my mother. And for that I will always be grateful.
It's been a long and hard journey. But I kept my faith. One by one, the people that mean the most have come back. The others don't matter.
Keep your patience, your dignity, and mostly your faith; no matter what path you have chosen. The people in your life that care the most will come back to you!
The one thing I can say, is to be true to yourself. If you can do this then in the end it will all work out. A friend had some advice for me, when I went through this myself. I would like to share it with you. He said, "Have the wisdom of the crone with the eyes of a Yearling." I believe that is the best advice that can be gave.
© Lady Badria
Original Publish Date: January 2001
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